Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Exorcising My Demons

Lately, I have been looking into my past and staring my demons in the face. There is a lot that saddens me, a lot that makes me angry, and memories that still scare me. I need to delve into my mind and fish out those memories and let those wounds heal. I think longingly of therapy. It would be such a relief to have someone help me heal, help me let go. But I have someone to talk to about everything, and that is the best therapy I can have. And I have my gift of writing, to write down things that are more difficult to say, to let my hand spell out reasons my mouth cannot articulate. Now all I need to do is find the time and the courage to uncover those memories; to think over things, rationalise, and understand. Because I refuse to live with those demons any longer. Because I have finally forgiven myself. And now I need to look back and understand, so that my mind will be at peace with itself.

I am lucky that when I go forth to fight my demons, someone will be right behind me, so that my courage will not fail. I am lucky that I have stability and happiness to come back to after a harrowing meeting with my memories.

I am lucky that I have the Guy. That I have someone who loves me so much that he would follow me even when I walk away, even when I’m unfairly angry, even when he doesn’t realise that it’s the demons in my head that torment me and make me act that way. He has none of my impatience, my quick temper, my intolerance. He makes me feel inadequate, yet want to be better. There’s nothing I have done in my life that would make me deserve him. Maybe I got him as compensation for everything bad I had to go through. In which case, I am grateful for the bad times.

All this happiness makes me feel insecure, sometimes. I am not yet twenty-six, and I have everything I want to make me happy. A lifetime of happiness seems too much to hope for. Yet, with the Guy at my side, what could be very bad? It scares me. It makes me look around thinking of what might go wrong – till the Guy places a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

And so I need to exorcise my demons, to more fully enjoy the life I have, to come out forever from the shadows into the bright sun. If I am away too long, have faith: I’ll be back.


anumita said...

You are just 25! You got a lot of time, honey, to get over all that you want and live a carefree and funfilled life.

Unmana said...

I know. This post is a reminder to keep me on track. Thanks for your words of encouragement!