No, You're Not My Friend

I get a ‘friend request’ on Facebook.
No, you’re not my friend.

What made you think you were?

Just because you knew me by sight

All those years ago?

Yeah, I had a crush on you.

That’s why I used to hang around your class.

Though I didn’t think you’d ever noticed.

You used to speak to my friend sometimes.

But never to me. Ah, yes.

Once, you gave me a smile.

I was on cloud nine for days after that.

But so what? We never spoke.

I don't think you even knew my name.

What makes you think we can be friends?

What makes you think I want to know how you are

Or how good you are at some word game?

I have moved on. Grown up, you know.

I don’t care to know you any more.

Oh yeah, back then, I would have jumped high

If you had asked me to be your ‘friend’.

But that isn’t me, the me of today.

I wouldn’t like you if I saw you as you were then.

I mean – that haircut, were you serious?

And that leather jacket. Ahem.

And you weren’t even all that smart.

Look at who you had for a girlfriend.

I’m much smarter. Maybe you are too.

But I don’t care to find out.

Maybe I’ll ‘accept’, for the sake of my teenage self.

Or maybe I’ll ignore, so as not to seem rude

But I don’t need you in my life, you know.

Fiction: The Crescent Moon

The moon is a crescent today with a halo around it. Larger than I have ever seen it before, it hangs just between two buildings. I want to call you, to tell you how it’s like sitting here on the familiar garden swing, gazing at the moon, the smell of jasmine pervading my senses. We had sat together on that bench nearby so often. Often you had stood by while I took my turn on the swing. We had spent so many beautiful summer evenings here, talking till late in the night, wondering at how starlight or moonlight touched the leaves to make them gleam, how the night turned the small park in our colony into a magical land.

It is just such a magical night today. Or it would have been, if you were here.

I reach into my pocket for my phone but draw my hand away without taking it out. You are on your honeymoon, and I shouldn’t disturb you. You did tell me I could call any time, but I am not sure Saakshi would like it. I like you too much to want to cause any disturbance in your domestic life.

I like you too much.

I wonder sometimes, if I should have spoken. If things would have been different if I had spoken instead of Saakshi.

After all, you and I were best friends. You used to say you love me more than anyone else in the world. Even after you started going out with Saakshi. Do you remember, that day at the mall when Saakshi had asked you to get her chocolates? When you returned, you pushed the box towards me, asking me to take my pick first. I did not dare look at Saakshi then. I wanted to refuse, but that would only prolong the awkwardness, so I hurriedly picked one and gave the box to her. But later, I looked back on that moment with a fierce triumph that you had chosen me over her.

But you didn’t choose me over her, did you? You choose her. You said you loved me best. You said I understand you in a way that she never could. You came to me when you fought with her. You cried on my shoulder in pain that day, anguished at the way she had treated you. You even came to me when you didn’t get the promotion you had expected, instead of going to her, and you did not even answer her calls while she was frantic with worry.

You chose to marry her, not me. Even though you said I was the smartest person you knew. Even though you said I was beautiful. Even though you hugged me, right before leaving for your honeymoon, as if you would never let me go.

You did let me go. And you went off with your wife.

You may not have known how I felt. But you did choose to marry her.

I get up from the swing and turn my back to the moon to walk back to my house. For the first time in months, I walk past your building without looking up at the flat where you used to live. Tomorrow I’ll walk into the office where we worked together and not glance at what used to be your desk as I walk by. A girl sits there now, a very nice girl called Shahnaz – we have coffee together sometimes. From now on that is Shahnaz’s desk, not yours.

Before stepping inside my building, I turn to take one more look at the moon that has shown me the light today.

On "The Middleman"

The Middleman is a book written in the 70's by a renowned Bangla writer, Sankar (Mani Sankar Mukherji). It was made into the movie Jana Aranya by no less than Satyajit Ray himself. The English edition was published this year. The book has been translated by Arunava Sinha.

If you recollect, we had picked up the book on Chandrahas's recommendation. Here is what I thought of it.

Visiting Friends

Effe and the Man-Friend have the most delightful house. You can sit at the dining table and look out at the clouds passing by. The weather is amazing, and a cool breeze blows softly through the window. We spent hours just sitting and talking.

There are few people I consider family: it was inexpressibly nice to spend time with some of them. Especially when there was no hurry of things to do, when we had left all our worries behind at home.

Of all the memories I have of this long weekend, more than the partying and all the eating and drinking and shopping and driving around, I cherish those long hours we spent in their home, talking.

And just before we left, we looked out of the window and saw rainbows. One bright arch, and a faint one above it. Much the same as last time.

I suppose it was the city's way of saying goodbye.

The picture isn't very clear and the rainbows were fading by the time it was taken.

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs

Here's what I thought of the movie.

Jeans Aren't Banned!

I never thought I would praise Mayawati, but here it is: her government removed the ban on jeans in certain colleges in Kanpur.

Sanity has been prevailing in the Indian state lately.

Filling out Forms

I hate most forms. I hate them because they try to club you into categories and file you away. I hate them because they usually ask for "Father's/Husband's Name" and rarely for the name of your wife or mother -would it hurt to write "parent" and "spouse", if they do need to know? I hate that it's usually mandatory to fill out surnames, and sometimes middle names as well. (My telecom service provider used the Guy's first name to give me a middle initial, even though I don't use his last name. A friend described how he started using a last name, even though he didn't have one, because it needs to be filled in on forms.)

I hate that they ask you for your religion. And that "atheist" is not an option.

They seem so inhuman, these forms. So unreasonable. So unable to grasp that people don't come in little colour-coded boxes.

But I hadn't really thought about what a transgender person faces. I read this and shuddered.

A Happy Day

This makes me want to go out and dance in the streets.

To Women Who Think about Changing their Names after Marriage

You know how I think on the issue of a woman changing her last name after she gets married.

To those who have changed last names: I understand. I do. I know it's difficult, and this may seem like a small battle, one that's not worth fighting. Yet, each time one of you makes the change, I feel slightly let down.

There are those who change both names. I knew this happens in certain communities, but thought it was an anachronistic, outdated ritual, perhaps followed by a few backward families. It seems I was wrong. For those of you who do this, who walk through this fire of ritual sacrifice to emerge with a new name, I feel pity. But I also feel outrage.*

I know I had it easy. The Guy didn't want me to change my name: my in-laws didn't either. My mom was pleased that I chose to keep mine. I know it's difficult to fight a battle with the ones closest to you.

A group of friends discussed this a few days ago. All of us, except one, were of the same view. This friend feels we shouldn't judge what is someone's personal decision, that it doesn't matter what name you choose to be called by. It shouldn't, in an ideal world. But in an ideal world you wouldn't only ever hear of women changing their names after marriage. In an ideal world, you shouldn't need to change your name, because your name would only be an identifier, not an indicator of your marital status or which household you belonged to, or of your caste or your religion or your race.

The Guy's brother-in-law spoke up to tell us a story that left me feeling proud that I was related to him. He talked about their struggle to give their son his wife's name, about the obstinacy of forms and procedures and a doctor who said he couldn't help as they had never come across such a case before. (I wonder what he'll say to the next person who has the same request.)

He said we have to be the change. That we have to break the cycle of tradition.

Unless enough of us are known as Ms Anylastname rather than Mrs Husbandslastname, until it's common for people in one family to have different names, until there is one less example in favour of "Oh, but your (sister/sister-in-law/cousin/friend) changed hers" and one more for "Oh, but she didn't change hers"; society isn't going to change, and nor are forms and procedures.

If your name isn't important, why change it? And if it is, why change it?

*I wondered why these people who want the wife/daughter-in-law's name to begin with a particular letter, don't search for a girl with such a name to begin with. I realised it's probably more difficult to find a girl with a name they consider acceptable than to get the girl they choose to change her name.

7 Wrong Reasons for Getting Married

My views on marriage are documented. While I think marriage as a legally or socially recognised relationship is redundant, marriage does make life easier for committed heterosexual couples, at least in India, and, I suspect, in most countries. (And that's the reason why I am married myself.)

Despite my cynical views on marriage, I often find myself taking the commitment of marriage very seriously. This is partly due to the fact that marriage carries exit costs (both in terms of legal and social repurcussions in case of a separation) and much more because of my belief that one's partner should be one's closest, dearest and most trusted friend. I would never advise you to stay in a marriage (or in any relationship for that matter) that you are unhappy in. The other side of the coin is I would ask you to be very careful while deciding whether to get married and not to enter into the relationship if you have the slightest doubt.

So here's my views on what are the wrong reasons for getting hitched.

Please don't get married because:

• You are getting older. Marriage doesn't come with a use-before date.
• You need sex. Get a lover. Better yet, learn to help yourself. And have some one-night stands.
• Your relatives want you to get married. No, not even if they are hinting that your parents (or grandparents) are not getting younger or healthier and you should have a wedding while they're still around to see it. If you have to, buy a huge doll and stage a fake wedding so your parents can have fun.
• You have younger siblings. Well, let them get married first. There's no law, I assure you.
• You are lonely. Make friends. You can't expect your parents to keep doing everything for you. Seriously, this is a skill you should have picked up in kindergarten. (And if you find this difficult, you definitely aren't ready to take on marriage.)
• You want to have children. (Seriously? Do you know how much work kids are? Oh well, okay.) Adopt a kid. If you need your own genes, have a kid with another single child-hungry friend and share custody. What if you do get married and then realise the two of you can't have children together?
• You have been with your partner a long time. Have you ever heard of sunk costs? It doesn't matter how much time or effort you've put into your relationship. All that matters is whether the relationship is of value to you today.

So what are the right reasons for getting married? To my mind, there's just one: if you want to overwhelmingly be with someone else, if you want to spend most of every day with them, for the foreseeable future. (Better still, if you are already spending most of your time with them and want to make it easier to keep doing so.)