Thursday, September 13, 2007


A friend enters the emptiness of life like music pervading silence.
A friend removes despair like a ray of light intruding into darkness.
A friend is always there to listen, not to judge; to support, not to condemn.
To sit beside you when you cry and not move until he succeeds in bringing back the laughter to your face.
To open your eyes to the beauty of life, as well as to its harshness, its squalor.
To tell you the truth, when all the world lies to your face.

A friend knows all your faults, your sins, your meanness… and still manages to love you.
A friend accepts your anger, your bitterness, your frustration – and waits for you to show your affection.
A friend asks for nothing in return – except that you also be there when you are needed.
A friend makes your thoughts worth while, as he listens when you speak of them.
A friend makes your dreams worth dreaming, as he dreams along with you.
A friend makes life worth living, as he shares it with you.

You may never say it, but you both know the special bond that you share.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Lovely Evening

I was rather out of sorts this weekend, with a bad cold and PMS. I was eager to go dancing on Friday night, but with the Guy’s back bothering him, we gave up the idea. We moped at home most of Saturday and Sunday. By Sunday evening, not only was I feeling weak and glassy-eyed after my nap, but also rather dull from inactivity. So the Guy’s offer of a drive was more than welcome.

We went wandering around narrow roads on slopes not far from our house. It was the time for sunset, when the hills around were bathed in a golden glow. The cool breeze ruffled my hair. I reiterated how lucky we are to live in such an area, in such a city.

As we drove back from the hills, the Guy steered the car onto the road where we live. “Are we going home?” I asked, reluctant to let this lovely evening end. “I’m not,” rejoined the Guy, “but I can drop you home if you want to.”

The evening had only just begun. We parked by the field nearby and talked for a long time, talked in a way that still seems new and special even when we talk for hours every day.

And then I wanted a drink. We rarely drink alcohol, but we both decided a small drink would be good for my cold. But the nearest lounge was reserved for the evening, so we ventured further.

With me clad in my homely skirt and top and most-worn sandals, we made it to a posh hotel whose roof-top restaurant came highly recommended from a friend. Deservedly so. Aptly called “Smoke on the Water” and set by the pool, it had homely furniture, delicious food and drinks, and excellent service.

We had a lovely lazy time, looking out on the city, with our office building in clear view right ahead. It felt magical, to have found a quiet terrace to sit in on a Sunday evening, when every public place is teeming with crowds. (Not to say that the place was deserted; and the men at the nearest table were making rather more noise than we would have liked, but it was easy enough to ignore them.) It felt like we had taken a wrong turn and magically found ourselves in a new world, very different from and yet so near to our own. Of course, we had to pay for the experience (there goes our goal of frugality!), but the price was not too high for such a lovely evening.

Thursday, September 06, 2007


I had my eyes closed, was walking in a dream.
I opened my eyes only when I stumbled.
The bright colors of my dreams contrasted
with the stark white light that blinded me.
I tried to close my eyes again – but encountered only darkness.

Finally my eyes grew accustomed to the light.
And I could see a way ahead.
Less colourful than my dreams, much straighter and higher.
But the color I had seen was as that on a butterfly’s wing.
And I grew to prefer the white light that showed me the world.

And I stepped out of the ruins of my fallen castle,
And walked towards my little cottage in the woods.
And while I may not live here all my life,
I am where I want to be now.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Exorcising My Demons

Lately, I have been looking into my past and staring my demons in the face. There is a lot that saddens me, a lot that makes me angry, and memories that still scare me. I need to delve into my mind and fish out those memories and let those wounds heal. I think longingly of therapy. It would be such a relief to have someone help me heal, help me let go. But I have someone to talk to about everything, and that is the best therapy I can have. And I have my gift of writing, to write down things that are more difficult to say, to let my hand spell out reasons my mouth cannot articulate. Now all I need to do is find the time and the courage to uncover those memories; to think over things, rationalise, and understand. Because I refuse to live with those demons any longer. Because I have finally forgiven myself. And now I need to look back and understand, so that my mind will be at peace with itself.

I am lucky that when I go forth to fight my demons, someone will be right behind me, so that my courage will not fail. I am lucky that I have stability and happiness to come back to after a harrowing meeting with my memories.

I am lucky that I have the Guy. That I have someone who loves me so much that he would follow me even when I walk away, even when I’m unfairly angry, even when he doesn’t realise that it’s the demons in my head that torment me and make me act that way. He has none of my impatience, my quick temper, my intolerance. He makes me feel inadequate, yet want to be better. There’s nothing I have done in my life that would make me deserve him. Maybe I got him as compensation for everything bad I had to go through. In which case, I am grateful for the bad times.

All this happiness makes me feel insecure, sometimes. I am not yet twenty-six, and I have everything I want to make me happy. A lifetime of happiness seems too much to hope for. Yet, with the Guy at my side, what could be very bad? It scares me. It makes me look around thinking of what might go wrong – till the Guy places a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

And so I need to exorcise my demons, to more fully enjoy the life I have, to come out forever from the shadows into the bright sun. If I am away too long, have faith: I’ll be back.