Friday, August 20, 2010

A Question about Marriage

I was looking at search terms that people use to get to my blog, and saw terms that look like questions. It looked like people were looking for answers, and that lead them to my blog. Some were funny, like "Do we have one soulmate each lifetime"? (You'll have to ask someone who has experience of more lifetimes, hon.) Most were sad. "Should a husband defend his wife?" (You know my views on that one.) "What to do when your dad died". (I can't answer that. I did however, tell you how I felt, in probably too much detail.)

I wanted to answer some of those questions, even though it's probably too late, and the person who asked has moved far on. Yet, here goes.

Is it normal to feel sad the first few months after marriage?

In a word, no.

Let me expand on this. Getting married is a big, scary, wonderful step. It may be the best thing you ever did (like it was for me). It may be the worst mistake you ever made. (And usually, it will be one of the two.) The scariest part: there's no way to be sure beforehand which of them it will be for you. 

After I got married, I felt euphoric, scared, tensed, excited at different times - and sometimes all at the same time. I was suddenly related to this whole bunch of people who were all so new and different and were now part of my family. People (some of friends and family - not all) expected me to act differently, to dress differently, to feel different - and I wasn't sure I did. There was all the anxiety and excitement - and soon, ecstasy - that comes with sex. (Okay, that's all I'm going to say about that, so you can keep reading. But it's no point ignoring what is one of the biggest changes that marriage brings for most of us, right?)

So all in all, it was confusing. It was often, difficult. The Guy and I had been partners for a time, so our relationship seemed much the same. And that was oddly comforting, wonderfully stolid. 

For an arranged marriage, I suppose it might be much worse. You are, in effect, now living with a near-stranger. (Okay, someone you've gone on five dates with. What I said still stands.) And maybe more near-strangers, if you're in a joint family. 

So it's even more natural to feel scared and tensed. But sad? And not for a few days, but for a few months? Honey, you've got a problem! 

Ask yourself why you are sad. Are you treated badly? Do you miss your parents? Are you lonely? Is it something you've talked about to your partner? Do you have friends you can talk to? Do you have work or other activities to keep you occupied? A marriage may be the most important part of life to the people in it, but it isn't - and can't be -everything. Do you do something you are good at, that you feel happy about?

There's always a reason for being sad, and you should find it, and try to cure it. I hope you do.


Chicu said...

god, Unmana. That question is heartbreaking. Just how desperate and lonely must that person be to google a question like that? damn.

Unmana said...

chicu: I know. That's exactly what struck me. And why I had to answer, even though I can't hope she (I don't know why I'm so sure it's a she!) will read this.

Megha Bansal said...

how to find search terms used to get to your blog?

Chicu said...

I agree about the person being a's just that my training is to write gender-neutral!

Anonymous said...

Very sad. I hope the person finds an answer soon, and doesn't waste away his/her life in sadness. It's so easy to do that in a marriage.

Unmana said...

Megha: You'll have to put in some kind of tracking tool. There are lots of them, a few being Google Analytics, StatCounter and Site Meter.

chicu: That's really good training. I still struggle with being gender-neutral.

Banno: Totally agree.

starry eyed said...

Gosh, that's sad. I get heartbreaking search terms too...usually to do with boys crying, whether it's okay, what to do for a crying teenage boy, etc etc.


dipali said...

Poor sad person. I do hope things get better.